Forgivness Is The Key!

Once upon a time, during a part of my life that ended not too very long ago, I was constantly angry. I was angry even when I thought I was in the best of moods. I was very quick to judge, and even quicker to react to the slightest bit of negativity with the fury relative to the worst of tsunami's.

I admit to not having the best of childhoods, although I do not put any of that blame upon my parents, at the time at least. Little by little I did come to terms with some very disturbing childhood events and even went as far as to confront the offender only to be told, "Huh? I don't remember that." Whereon I went to my parents and told them as well, again, to be told, "You're lying, he would never do that and you must just want attention." Over time, I let that last statement bother more than anything else. It wasn't until after the death of my Mother that I got the slightest bit of satisfaction in knowing that now, she knows the truth. I only wish she would have believed me when I first brought it up.

Although I was a very independent and well behaved child, once I came of age I became a very disrespectful and troublesome adult. Alcohol, marijuana, powder cocaine, & crack cocaine became my escape. But I didn't see it as such. No addict does. I like to drink to get drunk. I like the cocaine while I'm drinking so I can drink more. Crack was curious though. I had smoked it on and off for years before it got hold of me, but thank God, finally, 10 years ago, I was able to break that habit as well. Marijuana on the other hand... If it were legal, I would be smoking it right now. I have been told that I am addicted to it as well, but I really don't believe so. Over the years, I had stopped it many times. But truth be told, I really like the taste! Not to mention the creativity and mellowness achieved with it. But, it is still illegal, so once again I am completely drug free.

Now during this time, there were reports and stories and documentaries and you name it all on how the events of your childhood, conscientiously or otherwise, frame your entire way of thinking and living as an adult. I guess it was when these first started being forced upon us is about the time when I confronted my offender and my parents. I was determined not to let them be the cause for all of my mishaps. My mistakes, my errors in judgment was not going to be because of them. I did this to myself. I did not want to be like all those others I saw on television crying and blaming others because they're drunks or addicts or what have you. I tried that route and was called a liar. So I became a pruner of sorts.

If someone crossed me or sometimes merely disagreed with me... b'bye, you're gone. That simple. I got them out of my life, end of story. I wasn't about to keep anyone around that was going to bring me down further than I already was. My life, as messed up as it is and was, is my doing. Nobody else's.

Sure I had some really great highlights in my life. Met and performed with too many famous blue's and gospel artists in Chicago to mention. Had a couple decent jobs. A few, although ever so sinful, great lesbian relationships too. But nothing was ever good enough. Somewhere, sometime, something would always send me into an uncontrollable rage. Often times over the stupidest of things. And most of the time I wouldn't even remember what occurred during these fits of rage. Yes, I would know I did it. But rarely know exactly what was said and even less often would I remember why. It surly wasn't because of my childhood. I confronted that and was not about to give anyone any credit for anything! After all, if even negative publicity is good publicity, I believed that they don't deserve to have the credit for my unruly childlike mentality now.

Sure I faced the situation head on, but I forgot one very important act. I never forgave anyone. I turned my back and let each and every disappointment fester and grow into a hatred that was so uncontrollable that it eventually took control of my life. More so than any drug ever could. It took control of me for decades. I lost years and years of my life because I never truly forgave anyone for anything.

While I was writing this blog entry, it came to me that in a conversation with my mentor a couple months ago, out of the blue she asked if I was ever abused. This floored me because nothing we had ever discussed had anything to do with that, but as usual, she hit the nail on the head. I also think that it was at that exact moment, that I decided I needed to listen more to what she had all along been trying to teach me. It was at that moment that I began my journey back to God.

I was reading a blog written by Sister Rhodus earlier tonight which inspired me to blog about this. She had blogged about pruning the spirit of our past and removing deadness out of our lives. Hmm, sounds very much like I had been doing all along, except I never forgave! We can cut out everyone and everything, but unless we forgive, we will never be at peace! DUH! See, I really am still an adolescent! Well, not so much anymore. Once I went back to Jesus, I did take on a whole new outlook and do not feel as though I am holding any grudges against anyone anymore and all are forgiven.

What I had planned on writing about is nothing like what I did, as usual. What had come to mind was how last week my Father asked me to call my sister and apologize to her. I did consider it, but I have a big problem with that. We had gotten very close over the past few years. Me being me, would on occasion lose my temper but nothing like I would be outside of her home. I respect her, her family, and our new found friendship too much for that. Well, a couple minor complaints, not ranting on my part at all, and the next thing you know.... I am no longer welcome there. The last time I stepped foot in her house to see my Father, her husband didn't even seem to want to let me in. Before I left he even asked for his house key back. Which I only had in case Dad was there alone and needed help.

So now I still sit and wonder.... What am I apologizing for? If I knew, I would. But I don't. So I can't.

I Am Free

Sunday August 30th 2009... I have been preparing for this day longer than even I am aware of. For several weeks, maybe more, I have been on a journey. A journey not even I could have imagined. Albeit a journey full of marvels, twas still a journey unbeknownst to anyone but God.

The last time I went to church willingly was for my Mother's funeral. Before that... the Lord only knows. But today I am going to church, willingly, wantingly. Although I have been preparing myself for this, I am still nervous and, yes, scared. I don't even like going to the grocery store among people I don't know. Now I am going to church to bare my soul among people whom are strangers to me in all ways imaginable. Sure, I 'think' I am prepared, but am I?

Does it matter if I think I am ready? Or does it matter that God thinks I'm ready? I choose GOD!

OK, I'm sitting here at my desk, as usual trying to ready myself. So nervous that I am drumming away on both my keyboard and my desk. Listening to some great gospel music readying myself. Chatting with my mentor, Misty. Literally I am counting down the minutes before church starts. 34 mins..... 23 mins..... 17 mins..... Finally she tells me, "Get up and LEAVE! You don't want to be late!" Yeah, well..... I didn't want to be too early either and the church is only 5 mins from my home. But, ok ok..... I leave. As I get up to Hart St where I needed to turn I am behind a vehicle that has a Bible in thier back window. Hmmm, even if I did get a second thought, of which I hadn't, I guess there is yet another sign! I am almost to the point that I am looking at everything now just waiting to see a big ole neon sign flashing reading "Karen...Just Do It!!!" No, I haven't seen one yet, but I might as well have.

I pull into the lot and there are a couple folks standing outside chit chatting. They immediately greet me and ask if I came alone. I replied, "No, I came with Jesus." And truth be told, I really did come with Jesus. Without Him, I would not be here today.

This is a modest church, nothing fancy, nothing overwhelming. Not empty, but not over-flowing. Again I am greeted in kind by most everyone there. Most especially a lovely lady whom introduces herself (forgive me for not remembering her name) as the Pastors Mother In Law. She then asked if I wanted to join her or if she could join me. She joined me. Throughout the service she shared her Bible with me and even helped show me what the Pastor was preaching about.

Pastor Rhodus, whom I had researched previous (yeah, ya'll know me, lol) seemed very kind and friendly and powerful. Being that I have never been to anything but a Catholic church, yes, I did feel a little out of place, but I think I handled myself well. Towards the end of the service Pastor Rhodus asked if anyone was ready for the Holy Spirit (or something of that sort). Things by this point are beginning to get a tad blurry. I had really gotten into the service and was really 'feeling' "It". Mrs. Williamson, I believe her name is although that isn't what she introduced herself as, took my hand and lead me to the alter.

The entire congregation gathered around me and we all prayed. Almost immediately I got weak. Swaying, shakey legs, buckling knees.... I gathered myself together again, just for it to happen again. Still kinda fuzzy as to what is happening. I am thinking maybe the 3rd or 4th time my knees went.... the next thing I remember was my head tapping the floor. Everyone was still praying all around me all this time. A few moments, minutes, who knows how long it has been, surely not me. I too have been praising Jesus this whole time with everyone. I know I am still praising Jesus, but I am not really hearing it all. At least I don't think I am. They raise me back up to my feet. Still praising the Lord Jesus Christ. The next thing I rememebr is Pastor Rhodus saying, "She's doing it! She's doing it! She's speaking in tongues!". A moment of conscienciousness, awareness, then I'm fuzzy again. I remember thinking if this is happening, let it happen. And it did! Another believer was also being prayed over in hopes of receiving the Holy Spirit as well. Once I had gathered myself again, Pastor Rhodus instructed me to pray over her as well and lay my hand on her back. This was truly an awakening experience.

Next on the agenda was getting Baptised in the name of Jesus. They asked and how could I say no? Although I have my wits about me I am still very much in another place. A place I have never been, but I am eager to return to. Once again Pastor Rhodus prayed upon me and emmersed me. As I arose from the water there was truly a feeling of freedom. My many troublesome burdens that had been holding me down for oh so many years were washed away.

How long did this all take? I haven't a clue! Nor do I care. All that mattered is that I know I am free. I am full of an energy that I don't think I have ever had. I am feeling things I have never felt before. And it is Wonderful!

I didn't stick around long thereafter. I was in another world. I think I was supposed to though since several others actually came out to the parking lot to wish me well as I was headed to the Kia, LOL

Once I got home I couldn't sit still. I splurged and went and bought myself a McDouble for dinner. I actually washed my dishes! Not a minor task at the time. Still unable to sit here, I went out to enjoy the evening sun on the porch. Nope, that wasn't going to happen either. I HAD to get up and move, so I cut my grass, all at once! Everyone that knows me, knows my back doesn't allow me to do it all at once, ever. My back all of a sudden is so much better than it has been in a couple years.

I am literally bursting with energy. All stress is gone. Have all of my issues disappeared? Of course not. But boy oh boy do I feel ALIVE!

I know I have a long journey still ahead of me. I am far from perfect. But I am well on my way.

Thank You Jesus, my Lord, my Savior! I Love You too!!!

Go To Church!

Yes, of course I am still behind. Soon, I hope to be caught up!

As content as I generally am to stay home alone. My only companions being my two baby cats Samuel Alexander (Sammy) and Sasha Aileen (Sasha). Lately I have had the urge to get up and get out. Although, still, I sit here online alone. Instead of wasting time playing games and/or sulking in the fact that trading has greatly diminished, I have begun really digging into what is most important. My belief and faith in God and making me a better person through and through.

Not surprisingly, I have taken note of various events as of late that I know there was a higher power controlling the goings on around me. For instance, even before I was visited by Jesus and my Mom, on August 1st, my parents would be 50th wedding anniversary, I wanted to go see Mom. It was a drizzly day, almost a perfectly sorrowful atmosphere for spending time in a cemetery. Something, inside of me, was telling me not to go, but I also thought to myself that I always come up with one excuse or another not to go visit my Mom. I hate arguing with myself. Four times I got up and headed towards to door before I finally told myself, "JUST GO ALREADY!" So I did, or at least tried.

I didn't get far before I decided to see if a friend was home and wanted to take the drive with me. As I went to turn to go towards her house the Kia decided it didn't want to turn left. It was like the power steering went out all of a sudden, but I did turn. This was the last straw for me though. I then turned down a side street, which was a caldisac. Again turning left I proceeded to turn around. This time the steering wheel just kept turning. Yes I was turning, but I swear, as God as my witness, the steering wheel turned at least 3 full rotations as if it wasn't completely catching. Well if I hadn't already had enough and decided not to go to see Mom, I would have now. Mind you that to get to where I was I had to make several right hand turns. What happens when you return? All turns are reversed. So I had to make several left hand turns to get home. Well, thankfully, I had absolutely no issues getting home! None what so ever! Somebody didn't want me to go. Somebody was telling me that I didn't need to go to see my Mom. She understands and She loves me.

Now mind you, I have sat home and wasted the entire summer. I have only gone out and enjoyed one summer event, that's it, one. That was on Aug 22nd and by then I had already made some awesome revelations and decided that I needed to change me and my life drastically. I even announced to several friends that I was making that event my last hoorah. And boy oh boy was it ever!

Now comes August 29th and I again feel the imperative need to get out. I mention this to my mentor and she tells me, "Go to church!" To which I replied, "That's tomorrow." Well I went for a drive into the country which is always peaceful and serene. I came across a nice little clearing near a small lake within a reserve so I stopped. But before I got out of the Kia, I noticed that there seemed to be a wedding reception going on. So as to not to disturb the on going party, I decided to leave and go to a beautiful park I know of built upon an old landfill.

For some odd reason, I pulled into the opposite end of this park than usual, but ok, that's fine. I got my iPod out, start up a podcast entitled Bible 101. As I began to walk around the clubhouse I could hear something coming over a loud speaker so I tried to turn up my iPod to drown it out, but I couldn't. Then I looked up and low and behold, there is a wedding mass going on. My mentor did tell me to go to church right? Well, ok then. I walked up onto a bridge that crosses the man-made lake and stood there for the entire mass. It was beautiful!

I have always trusted my mentor with whatever she has had to tell me. I believe her when she says that much of what she says and does is because God has instructed her to do so. Now I see for myself that when she told me to go to church and I replied tomorrow, God was not going to let me out of it that easily!

God surely does have a plan for me. There is noway around it.

God, Lead me as you see fit. I am your child and need your guidance more now than ever. Lead me and I shall follow.

Tomorrow, August 30th, God has much more for me...... again, stay tuned!

Christian Meditation

I Had A Dream!

I must say, that when I first began this blog I had absolutely no idea where my life was headed. Nor the extraordinary changes that were about to happen within me. I wasn't even going to share this blog with anybody. It was simply a place to rant and rave and ramble on about things going on in my life. Some place to simply vent. But oh no... This has turned into a truly life saving experience. Now let's get on with it since I am way behind, as always....


As I had mentioned previously I have been questioning my religious beliefs and where I stand with God. Also I have stated previously that I left the church, but not God. I suppose that isn't exactly true. When I lost my Mother due to a medical mishap 1,288 days ago my views did change. I have repeatedly over the past few years said that God hates me. Even though everyone that heard (or read) me say that insisted that it wasn't true I kept on saying it. I do believe deep down in my heart that I knew they were right but I just wasn't ready to admit it, yet. But today I can say that my heart is full of Jesus and the love I have for Him.

Since my last posting I have continued with my mentor and have progressed greatly. But being the stubborn fool that I am, I still needed a sign. Well, a couple weeks ago I had a dream that changed everything for me.

My Mother came to me clear as day. Immediately I noticed her nose looked skinny. So much so it almost seemed to be pinched. She was also wearing her canula that she was not buried in. She proceeded to remove her canula and put in on me. She then took my hand and put her left hand in mine for me to see that she was not wearing her wedding rings, but she was wearing a tiny, very delicate gold band on her pinkie finger. And, her fingers looked like a childs.

Upon awakening, I remembered this dream immediately. I can still, right now at this very moment re-visualize it with every little detail still in place. Not only that, but I for the first time since her death felt at ease. I finally feel as if my Mother is in Heaven with God.

Let me now look at each point of the dream I mentioned and what I believe the message each of them were meant to relate to me.

• Her Hand and the Ring: She is a child of God. Full of life up in the Kingdom of God.
• Canula: This one could be a combination of two things. 1- I better stop smoking now before it's too late. 2- New life being breathed into me.
• Her Nose: The more I think about this, the more I believe that it wasn't just my Mother coming to me. But Jesus Christ Himself came to me in the image of my Mother. Jesus knows me. Jesus knew I needed a sign. Jesus knew I needed my Mother. Jesus is ready for me.

WOW!

Jesus loves me so much He went out of His way to visit me in the form of my Mother. Exactly when I needed them both.

Alleluia! Jesus!! Alleluia!!!


There has already been much more exciting happenings in my life so be sure to stay tuned!

What is Wrong with Living Right?

My first and almost immediate answer to this question was, "Nothing". Then I realized that, that answer was just too easy. Let me back up here a little bit...

I am at a crossroads of sorts. I am at a low point in my life. Pretty close to rock bottom and in all rights I should be homeless and dead in a gutter. But I am not. I have had a relatively rough life and have learned to take all things seriously. Although many that think they know me may not see me as such.

Without going into too much detail, I was born, raised, baptized, and confirmed a Catholic. I am also a lesbian. Did I choose to be a lesbian? No I did not. Have I tried to live a heterosexual lifestyle? Yes, many times.

Being Catholic and a lesbian is not a good combination. So like many others I was forced into having to keep the real me from others within my religious circles. Did I think this was right? Of course not! But this is the way it is and who am I to do differently? That was up and until the leaders of the Catholic church chose to take it upon themselves to be judges. They chose to turn all homosexuals away and refused us communion. It was at this time that I left the church, but I never left God. Not in my eyes anyway.

This led to many trials and much torment throughout the past several years. Along every path I have been down I can honestly say that I know God was there with me. Without God in my life then, I would not be here now.

I can also recall several stops to look to find the answers as to why I am hated by other so-called Christians? I would ask and ask and all I was ever told was that being gay is wrong. You will go to hell. God said so. Sure there would be scripture quoted as well which made me just question other biblical quotes.

Then one day I discovered that I had come to accept our many religious differences. Just because one sect of humanity worships in a different manner than I am accustomed, does not make their beliefs any less right. People are different and such why wouldn't their religious practices also be? I was not there in biblical times. But I am here now.

Simplistically speaking my beliefs came to be as such:
Love God, He loves you
Be true to yourself, to God, and to others
Love everyone.
Everyone is Special.

Fast forward to a month or two ago.... Again I asked a very near and dear friend of mine why I would go to hell just for being who God made me to be? Her response was pretty much the same as I had always heard. But this time I pushed and she took the time to explain things a little better than I had ever heard before. Not well enough to convince me that simply being gay would keep me out of the Kingdom of God though.

I understand the actual sexual act, but that does not make someone gay. Being gay as has as many facets as the finest cut diamonds. I can stop having sex, but that will not make me not gay. It will make me a celibate lesbian. Nothing more, nothing less.

Still, it did get me back on a search for the why's? The real reason why God would punish me for being who he made me to be. Why? Why? Why?

After many hours each day over the past several weeks of searching for the answer, listening to podcasts, and questioning my new found mentor of God. More and more has begun to make sense to me. Forgive me for not quoting, but.....

We are all human. We are all sinners. Jesus died on the cross for our sins. With this we have all gained the Privilege of Forgiveness. (Privilege....hmmm, Good One! Thank You Lord.) With this privilege we now have the right to Repent our sins and be forgiven. But we shouldn't just sin, confess, and then go out and do it again and again. But it happens every day in everyone of us.

It happens because we are all faced with our own personal trials of which we must overcome. Did God make me gay? Yes! And I am happy for it. I believe part of being gay is the enhanced ability to love, to love more intensely, to love all. As well as to be more accepting of those that are not exactly like me. Is the urge to please a woman sexually a gift from God? At this point I am willing to say no. Pleasures of the flesh are the act of satan. Ummm... Did I just say that?

Satan puts urges to do wrong in each of us. We are all different and therefore are given different trials in our lives to overcome. And to answer a question my mentor asked me a while ago that really upset me at the time.... Did God make pedophiles? Yes he did. But he does not make them act upon their urges. God made and loves everybody. He does not however command them to fall to the temptations of satan.

Now to finally answer the question at hand... What's wrong with living right?
Nothing, just as long as we each know what living right is. Do I really 'know' what living right means right now at this very moment? Not completely, but I am living and learning. But most importantly loving God.

I now pray to the Lord Jesus Christ to help me overcome the urges put before me by satan. Only with your help shall I succeed in my venture to live right by the laws set forth by you, my God.
Amen

A Day in My Life

Have you ever just sat there in front of your monitor and just stared and thought? Or sometimes get so encomapssed in thought that you actually lose hours on end? As of late I have been having many of those. Most days I get up between 9am-10am, I have never been a morning person, so that is really good for me. Almost robotically I grab my glasses and cigarettes from the night stand and head to the computer. Get it started, then start the 1st pot of coffee for the day, and off to the 'powder' room to get myself ready to "work".



The first couple of hours is pretty much always the same. Check to see if I got any newbs while I was gone, then look for new forum member intros, and hit the trophy cases to post congrats. That may not seem like much, but mind you I do this on 7... well 6, freebie trading forums now. I really do like being more diversified, but I sure do miss the days of only needing 1 forum to survive. Now it seems if you're not everywhere, your're nowhere.



Once I feel there is nothing relavant left to do on the forums, I go through my many other opportunities and 'gigs'. Yeah, I started taking various freelance tasks as well. Those are fun and very profitable, but take actual work, GAH! Several times throughout the day I do stop in here and there and play a game or three. Just to clear the mind and transition into the next task at hand. Then repeat.....



Most days it is at least 7pm - 8pm before I even get up to eat! And even then 9 out of 10 times I eat in front of the computer as well. Work while I'm home basically doesn't stop until I go to bed which is often as late as and often exceeding 2am-3am. So if you break down what I make online I am literally working for pennies per hour. Hmmm, doesn't make any sence does it? Nope. So why do I do it?



I love what I do. I love staying home everyday. I love showing others how to make money the way I do. And I love the people I have met online. Several have become very close friends. And not just fake internet friendlies, Real Friends.

But even though I never leave home, I am still lost.