What is Wrong with Living Right?

My first and almost immediate answer to this question was, "Nothing". Then I realized that, that answer was just too easy. Let me back up here a little bit...

I am at a crossroads of sorts. I am at a low point in my life. Pretty close to rock bottom and in all rights I should be homeless and dead in a gutter. But I am not. I have had a relatively rough life and have learned to take all things seriously. Although many that think they know me may not see me as such.

Without going into too much detail, I was born, raised, baptized, and confirmed a Catholic. I am also a lesbian. Did I choose to be a lesbian? No I did not. Have I tried to live a heterosexual lifestyle? Yes, many times.

Being Catholic and a lesbian is not a good combination. So like many others I was forced into having to keep the real me from others within my religious circles. Did I think this was right? Of course not! But this is the way it is and who am I to do differently? That was up and until the leaders of the Catholic church chose to take it upon themselves to be judges. They chose to turn all homosexuals away and refused us communion. It was at this time that I left the church, but I never left God. Not in my eyes anyway.

This led to many trials and much torment throughout the past several years. Along every path I have been down I can honestly say that I know God was there with me. Without God in my life then, I would not be here now.

I can also recall several stops to look to find the answers as to why I am hated by other so-called Christians? I would ask and ask and all I was ever told was that being gay is wrong. You will go to hell. God said so. Sure there would be scripture quoted as well which made me just question other biblical quotes.

Then one day I discovered that I had come to accept our many religious differences. Just because one sect of humanity worships in a different manner than I am accustomed, does not make their beliefs any less right. People are different and such why wouldn't their religious practices also be? I was not there in biblical times. But I am here now.

Simplistically speaking my beliefs came to be as such:
Love God, He loves you
Be true to yourself, to God, and to others
Love everyone.
Everyone is Special.

Fast forward to a month or two ago.... Again I asked a very near and dear friend of mine why I would go to hell just for being who God made me to be? Her response was pretty much the same as I had always heard. But this time I pushed and she took the time to explain things a little better than I had ever heard before. Not well enough to convince me that simply being gay would keep me out of the Kingdom of God though.

I understand the actual sexual act, but that does not make someone gay. Being gay as has as many facets as the finest cut diamonds. I can stop having sex, but that will not make me not gay. It will make me a celibate lesbian. Nothing more, nothing less.

Still, it did get me back on a search for the why's? The real reason why God would punish me for being who he made me to be. Why? Why? Why?

After many hours each day over the past several weeks of searching for the answer, listening to podcasts, and questioning my new found mentor of God. More and more has begun to make sense to me. Forgive me for not quoting, but.....

We are all human. We are all sinners. Jesus died on the cross for our sins. With this we have all gained the Privilege of Forgiveness. (Privilege....hmmm, Good One! Thank You Lord.) With this privilege we now have the right to Repent our sins and be forgiven. But we shouldn't just sin, confess, and then go out and do it again and again. But it happens every day in everyone of us.

It happens because we are all faced with our own personal trials of which we must overcome. Did God make me gay? Yes! And I am happy for it. I believe part of being gay is the enhanced ability to love, to love more intensely, to love all. As well as to be more accepting of those that are not exactly like me. Is the urge to please a woman sexually a gift from God? At this point I am willing to say no. Pleasures of the flesh are the act of satan. Ummm... Did I just say that?

Satan puts urges to do wrong in each of us. We are all different and therefore are given different trials in our lives to overcome. And to answer a question my mentor asked me a while ago that really upset me at the time.... Did God make pedophiles? Yes he did. But he does not make them act upon their urges. God made and loves everybody. He does not however command them to fall to the temptations of satan.

Now to finally answer the question at hand... What's wrong with living right?
Nothing, just as long as we each know what living right is. Do I really 'know' what living right means right now at this very moment? Not completely, but I am living and learning. But most importantly loving God.

I now pray to the Lord Jesus Christ to help me overcome the urges put before me by satan. Only with your help shall I succeed in my venture to live right by the laws set forth by you, my God.
Amen

A Day in My Life

Have you ever just sat there in front of your monitor and just stared and thought? Or sometimes get so encomapssed in thought that you actually lose hours on end? As of late I have been having many of those. Most days I get up between 9am-10am, I have never been a morning person, so that is really good for me. Almost robotically I grab my glasses and cigarettes from the night stand and head to the computer. Get it started, then start the 1st pot of coffee for the day, and off to the 'powder' room to get myself ready to "work".



The first couple of hours is pretty much always the same. Check to see if I got any newbs while I was gone, then look for new forum member intros, and hit the trophy cases to post congrats. That may not seem like much, but mind you I do this on 7... well 6, freebie trading forums now. I really do like being more diversified, but I sure do miss the days of only needing 1 forum to survive. Now it seems if you're not everywhere, your're nowhere.



Once I feel there is nothing relavant left to do on the forums, I go through my many other opportunities and 'gigs'. Yeah, I started taking various freelance tasks as well. Those are fun and very profitable, but take actual work, GAH! Several times throughout the day I do stop in here and there and play a game or three. Just to clear the mind and transition into the next task at hand. Then repeat.....



Most days it is at least 7pm - 8pm before I even get up to eat! And even then 9 out of 10 times I eat in front of the computer as well. Work while I'm home basically doesn't stop until I go to bed which is often as late as and often exceeding 2am-3am. So if you break down what I make online I am literally working for pennies per hour. Hmmm, doesn't make any sence does it? Nope. So why do I do it?



I love what I do. I love staying home everyday. I love showing others how to make money the way I do. And I love the people I have met online. Several have become very close friends. And not just fake internet friendlies, Real Friends.

But even though I never leave home, I am still lost.